I can feel this becoming the beginning of a very long entry with continous add ons.
I'm no amazing big shot writer, I'm not an expert blogger or novel reviewer, but I am sort of a non-believer. Well, WAS a sort of non-believer. Quite frankly, I still don't think I will ever fully change my mind, but I have this new found respect...

...For religion.

See, once upon a time ago there was little Eternal who believed in witches, vampires and whose favorite holidy was Halloween where she could morph into a dark mysterious creature and wear a pointy hat with long, black stringy hair. Since little Eternal was...well, little...she did not care for or against the aspect of organized religious practices as do many young children because, quite frankly, who gives a crap when you're small enough to fit in your dirty clothes hampard?

But already at a young age, the itch was there. The itch to be different. It was not a want and was not even a need to stand out, but more or less apart of my genetic makeup. I am a product of one odd ball musicsian and one eccentric mother. More or less it was my destiny to be weird. And with weirdness comes unorthodox views which I am so very fond of. I can't help it.

When little Eternal grew up she began to question life, humanity...or puberty. Whichever, but I prefer the first two ideas. When I was eleven I began attending these horrific churches. Yes, slap in a face for you Christians, but this story has a happy ending and I never spit on people's endearments without a reason. The church was horrific because of a number of reasons starting with the fact that it was filled with sweaty people who jumped up and down, had irrational "visions" and looked up to a regular looking black dude with a white robe and a scruffy mustache. Second, it made me feel EXTREMLEY uncomfortable. Not just the kind of nervousness you get when you're about to go on a rollercoaster, but the kind of akwardness you feel ripping at your stomach and chest when you walk in on your dad taking a shower. Which for prude Americans is pretty harsh.
Anyhow, I wanted to run away. I did not like the way these people seemed to lose their inhibitions and yell out "Amen" and "God Bless". There was something pecuilar about the way they seemed to hang on to every word a single man said and devoured it with utmost itensity. Now that I recall, it sent shivers down my spine.
This is possibly the most ridiculous first encounter of religion and I'm mentioning my response. I do not know why I did not feel welcomed or invited or even had the desire to dip a toe in and join. All I did was observe. And observed. And observed.
Submerged in my developing mind I realized that religion was truly not for me.


Second Opinion:

I have spent many a day since then contemplating why I am such a freak and cannot seem to just accept religion. I've come up with many possible ideas:
I am a weirdo and therefore will always act like one.
I am taking religion too seriously.
I am taking religion not seriously enough.
I am being rebellious, since the only thing I can truly argue about with my parents is what I believe in my OWN head.
I do not like it's complete organization.
I do not like it's answer for everything.
I am a weirdo.
I am a weirdo.
I am an atheist.

(Mentioning weirdo three times is not a typo)

My mother says that my "taurus qualities are extreme stubborness." This is true, but at the same time I have to believe in things that make sense to me. That is, I USED to think that way.

I have a love of science. Maybe a too extreme passion for it. Has it gotten in the way of accepting faith? Perhaps. Did I care? Yes. It bothered me deeply (as before mentioned weirdo).
My father believes in faith; a baptist man who attends church almost every sunday now. And my mother goes to church and actually cries.
I do not understand this. At all.

Notice how I speak in present tense, signalling that this story is soon coming to an end.

...I lied. FLASHBACK:
I announced myself an Atheist in my beginning middle school years. Very early to be making such a strong statement, but I felt that it was the right time to say it.
I believed in science and science only.
There is no baby Jesus.
There is no adult Jesus.
There is no God in the sky.
There is no heaven.
There is no hell.
There is no Noah's Arc and the pairs of animals.
There is no Adam and Eve.
There is no sacred book.

There is only science.
There is the big bang.
There is the formation of the earth SCIENTIFICALLY.
There is evolution.
There is man.

The end. At the realization of this I nearly jumped for joy. I had finally put my thoughts to words and better yet, I had a label. Which, I know that atheist's just don't believe in God, but at the same time they usually tend to think like that. I could be wrong. I am only a child.

I did not mention my religious awakening to my parents because I thought it would hurt their feelings. To be honest, I did not feel like arguing with them either.

And then the divorce came. And it seemed like all of a sudden they seeked more religion than ever. I guessed it was because they themselves were confused and lonely as I was, accept while they turned to God, I turned to music. (Which is a whole 'nother story ENTIRELY). But a brief mention, I found myself in music. Music was my spiritual awakening and filled me contently.

For a while.

And then I felt bad for dissing God since everytime I seemed to say, "I don't believe in you," He always had a way of proving me wrong.

Several encounters: I question God's existence and the next minute I run into a wall or stump my toe or get a papercut.

Which is kind of a twisted way to think of God: hurting His non-believers, but I felt it was sort of His way of saying, "Eternal Faith Lokumbe, I will always be here."

After a while I started thinking about maybe it was the TYPE of religion I chose. Maybe it was CHRISTIANITY that was not right for me. And honestly, Christianity has seemed to be such a negative dominating force among innocent people in the past that I didn't second guess this epiphany*.

(*Ms. Allen would be proud)

For many months I decided to try out new religions. When I expressed this desire to my mother she said, "I don't care what you decide to become, but you're still going to church."
She said this for a whole lot of reasons I thought were just plain unimportant to MY need for something new and I found her response over all, uninterested. It was one of those conversastions you have with your parents when they're driving and not really paying attention to you.
Anyhow, after getting a sour response from my mother I told my father, who, because of his natural patience for the world, asked me slowly why. And I told him it was because I didn't want to give religion a bad rep soley based on one experience. It was like coming to a conclusion without proper amounts of varying factors. (Science again.)
He agreed, talked to me about the world like he always does and I left it at that.

Well, time got in the way and I never got to be a Catholic like I wanted or to practice Budhism. And after all, I had a feeling that in the end they probably would not have satisfied me.

(On a note, I will try next year, perhaps.)

So I came to the conclusion that I was hopeless. I had no backbone that everyone else seemed to have. I had no faith. It made me feel lonely. Faith is my middle name.

And then I read it.
I read it, involuntarily, but I felt it had come to me for a reason. It was like a personal bible in and of itself, beckoning me to keep turning the pages. I read a large drawn out bible story for the first time in my life.
Life of Pi: all 400 pages.

It changed my life.

If you haven't read the book, there's not much I can do to help explain it to you. It's one of those books that you must experience for yourself for everyone seems to have a different idea of it.

This is what I got from it:

Faith is irrational.
Faith is what you want it to be.
Faith is non-existant and existant.
Faith is a hypothesis, experiment and conclusion.
Faith is a beginning.
Faith is a way of life.
Faith is a weirdo.
Faith is a weirdo.
Faith is beautiful.

I finally got it. I finally understood that faith lives within human beings, within animals, within the world and within life, respectively. Faith is a never ending calculation. Faith is not organized. Faith is not something you are forced into. Faith is not in a book. Faith is not preached, in bible studies, in the rebellious corners of my brain or on my parents' tongues. Faith is science. Science is Faith.

Relatively speaking, faith is everything.

My ultimate epiphany: knowing that I don't have to have a structured religion in order to BELIEVE.


So here is my announcement to the world:

I am Faith and Faith is me.